I just pynch a tree in the face
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
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I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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