Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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