Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
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Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
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The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.