She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.