So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
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