I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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