So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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