I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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