I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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