A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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