my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
