you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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