I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
