I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
