ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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