Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
