I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
