Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
