i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
