I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
