I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
