So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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