I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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