I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
