Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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