dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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