I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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