I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
stop calling my apartment porn island.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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