they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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