the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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