proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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