she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
