I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
