get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
