I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
