Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
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You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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