So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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