this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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