just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
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Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
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you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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