I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Panties = found
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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