If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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