I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
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