Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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