Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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