They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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