You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
