Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
