wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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