Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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