tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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