The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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