her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
