there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
