2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
