he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
